All my life I was the 90 and 9. (Luke 15:4)  I found the truth early I believe.  I gained a testimony and did my best to stay true.  Those who know me can attest this was a far from perfect effort but I always tried to walk the path, hold to the rod, and be who or what I thought He would want me to be.

March 23rd 2015 that all changed.  There I stood in wreckage of my life as divorce became my reality a 2nd time.  I had been through this before.  I should have been ok…but I wasn’t.  I couldn’t take it.  I couldn’t handle the thought of watching my children grow up without the protection of a whole family.  I knew the cost.  I had seen it before.  I knew my children would suffer and stray and struggle (this is another story for another time) and I couldn’t take it.  I fell to pieces and became the 1.

I have always believed in a loving Father in Heaven.  I never understood the image of the vengeful God seeking to punish the wayward.  Wishing to cast out those who could not abide His standard.  This was never the God I knew.  He is a Father and He loves His children.  That was never in doubt until that Day.  I believed for the 1st time I didn’t matter.  I was a pawn.  I believe He led me to marry Lisa.  I believe that was part of the plan.  So why would it end like this?  I had stayed faithful even through some not so great moments in my life. (again perfection is still very far away but I try)  Even through divorce before I had not lost faith abandoned the true principles or wallowed in sin (I more waded than wallowed 😉 )

It doesn’t always matter why and that is certainly the case for me here but as I shattered I called my Bishop and told him to reassign my families and find someone else for my calling because I was not coming back.  I took off my garments, shredded my temple recommend, and told my God he could suck it.  I was done and I wasn’t ever coming back.  That’s when he showed me what love really means. Never before had I needed it more and the next year he spent showing me that he truly is ever faithful (2 timothy 2:13)  I knew He loved us but, until then, I had no idea how much.

I was in despair I was not listening to him.  I was not open to him.  If I tried to pray I would end up screaming profanity into the heavens like some sort of lunatic.  It was a bad place.  My therapist says I had a psychotic break.  I don’t remember much of that summer but I believe her.  I was not even kind of trying to self preserve.  I should not have survived spiritually at all.  Alcohol drugs and the like should have claimed me but looking back now I see His hand pushing me out of dangers path.  I may not have been able to reach out to Him but His hand was outstretched still (Isaiah 5:25)  He protected me from even more damage than I managed.  I had no moral compass.  I was truly lost but somehow He knew where I was and more importantly who I was.  I believe He absolutely stood before me and kept me safe in spite of all my best efforts to the contrary.

It was kind of slow.  He did protect me but He also had to remind me that love exists.  I am a cynic.  I am jaded.  I am sharp corners and hard edges but under all that I am a romantic.  A hopeless romantic and I BELIEVE in love.  I have seen people who lived after the manner of love and invariably those are happy people.  I want that. I am not as good at that as I wish I was but despite my short comings I had always believed in love…until I didn’t.  So my Father had to remind me of it.  He sent someone into my life again to remind me of that.  It was short but it was real and it helped get me through and it brought me closer to home.

I don’t believe in love at 1st sight.  Or at least I didn’t used to.  She walked in and I knew I loved her.  This isn’t normal.  I believe love develops over time with sharing trust and openness.  Why did it go like this for me?  I think my Father knew if it had started to develop slowly I would have run.  If it hadn’t happened like this it, wouldn’t have happened for me.  I needed love and I learned that God does not limit himself the way we think.  He works with his broken tools as they need.  He reached into Saul as he destroyed his faithful, A man who stood by while one of the greatest missionaries ever to walk this earth was murdered and smiled.  Surely that man deserved damnation!  God knew better.  Never underestimate the depths of Gods love the limits of his mercy or what he will do for his children.   He knew a good but lost soul when he saw it and brought Paul home.  We are no different

It may have been love but it was an odd pairing. We are very different people.  I was not LDS anymore.  Not because it wasn’t true, I never denied its truth, but because I didn’t care that it was true.  She had lived a difficult path and had joined the church many years before but left after a few months.  Neither of us were living it although she was interested in trying.   Through Gods divine grace I feel we accidentally helped each other.   She is now an active member of the church working towards temple attendance and I had once again believed in love.  We were together for six weeks but are friends for life and I thank God for her.

I was still very uninterested in coming back to church though and honestly the burdens of the world were weighing me down.  It had been a very hard year for me as my business fell apart my children strayed and suffered and my family was destroyed.  I needed my God but I wouldn’t reach out to him.  I had started to attend church for my kids.  I didn’t need God I thought, (hubris is funny) but it could help my kids maybe.  At least I could pray after  a sort.  I didn’t swear or rage when I did, so that was a start, but times were hard.

I had decided alcohol could help me.  At least I could sleep I figured and I desperately needed sleep.  It was January 9th and I had decided I was giving in and gonna buy a 5th of whatever and drown my sorrows.  That’s not a big deal for most but I am an alcoholic and this would be the end of my life in any recognizable way.  Things were bad though and a life on fire seemed more appealing than what I had going so I was doing it. As I sat outside the liquor store at 12pm I was trying to figure out what I should buy.  I haven’t ever done the alcohol thing so didn’t know what I’d like (trust me though, I’m an alcoholic.  I’ve had dreams of drinking and wanted to since I was 7.  Family history can be a bit unkind :P) but I had a date at 1pm so figured I’d figure it out after that.  God was watching.  Did I mention He is ever faithful?

Once again He intervened.  He sent me an Angel.  Just like that, my life was changed.  From the moment she appeared in the door way at IOU sushi I was certain I had met her before.  She felt the same but we couldn’t figure it out.  Over the next few hours I realized I had met her in the life before this.  I told her that day I was certain she would be in my life forever.  God spoke to me and I believe it.  It may not have worked out the way I wanted but she saved my life.

Over the next few weeks I grew to love her and despite all that has gone on since then I will always be grateful that she listened to Gods prompting and took the time to save a lost soul (she’d had a long night and was gonna reschedule but felt compelled to go).  As we talked and got to know each other she helped me realize how much I missed my God.  She helped me see how important it was to come home.  God was waiting for me.  He had been working his tail off to bring me back and it was time to ease his burden.  I truly thought we were meant to be together forever.  It didn’t work out but she helped me so much and I will always have a debt to her.

When I lost her I worried it would break me.  It did throw me for a while.  I was truly devastated and worried I wouldn’t survive.  The path back to fellowship in the church is way harder than I thought and I was vulnerable.  I faltered.  I fell.  God picked me up.  I know He loves us and there is no pit of hell in which He wont come find us if only we are willing to be found.   He would never have let me stay out there.  I love him.  He knew it and so He came for me.  I am constantly in awe of His capacity for love and mercy and understanding

I am not completely healed.  There is still pain and suffering but I have seen the depths of his love as he went searching for the ONE.  I never thought it would be me that got lost.  I was a good sheep.  I had been the angel of mercy, I had helped others find the path, but when it was me lost in the desert, I should have known He would not leave me out there!  He would send his other angels to bring me back.  He would not rest while I was in danger.  I should never have doubted that He would be enough to fill the gaps.  I should never have doubted his concern and compassion.  I may be down again but I swear I will never give up again!

Chris